The system of family law is inherently flawed. It is adversarial and toxic. Civil Codes and family laws are ignored. Lawyers perjure themselves for their clients, and make character assassination and lies as routine as filing a motion. Lawyers are abusive, expensive and when they become the problem instead of the solution, it’s time to say so.
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The entire divorce had been a huge attempt at concealing fraud, with both men in collusion to conceal it, then Kafkaesquelike, planning to blame it on me.
With breathtaking nonchalance, this attorney was prepared to assist my husband in implicating me in fraud. I was expendable as was our son. I was to be falsely accused, controlled by lack of money, and berated for being overwhelmed.
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Judges are people; we know its only a robe. But they are sitting there, and we are the cast of minor characters. They have the power to change our lives and we may not like it. This is a system not meant for the faint of heart. If you don’t like not being in control, not knowing outcomes, try and work things out yourselves. I say this repeatedly, but with caution. My attempts to communicate were also used against me. With hostile fighter attorneys on the other side, it is best to have someone on your side who can tame them.
Some who have read this say, “So what? – My divorce was so much worse.” Others refuse to believe it can get this bad. Some of my friends, seeing what was taking place, kept saying, “You have to let the judge know what is going on, this is SO wrong.”
To all of them I say, I know there are worse divorces; mine really was this bad and even worse than I describe here; and only in your dreams does someone get to say, “Your Honor, let’s do coffee, let me explain what is really going on.”
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What is going on with the kids as mom is besieged with legal harassment, bills, threats, and is fighting for her life and her children? How can you parent when the next lie might put you in jail? How can you bake cookies or volunteer for a field trip when you haven’t slept in three days as you comb the internet for how to fight a false domestic violence claim? What happens when your 14 year old son can’t go to school because the pains in his chest are so severe he clutches his heart, then loses his voice and finally collapses in a stuporous sleep? And he does this three days a week? What happens when your son is in so much pain he rocks silently for hours? And no one pays attention? And when they do they call you “greedy”? You wonder if you can rewire your brain to make it through the day without having a nervous breakdown.
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The judge realized the original order for support was based on false numbers. But what were they?
He offered to paint the living room so I would stay. With that offer I saw how devalued I was in his eyes, and how grand was his sense of entitlement.
Shocked, stunned and filled with rage at the lack of human compassion, at the malignancy that was this process, I felt trapped. But slowly, a change was washing over me. The more I learned about narcissism and evil, the more I gladly wore the badge they pinned on me labeled “target” . They were working very hard to “get me”. So hard that they had to recreate a world in which I am expendable and they are to get their way. Oh, dear husband, you never focused on me during the marriage as you did then. With humor and grace, as Richard Cohen puts it, I look with amusment at how much time, energy and money he directed at me now.
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Divorce lawyers taught me not only are women supposed to be inferior, they run their cases as if we actually are. Divorce is a paternalistic system, even with many female attorneys. It is built on control, concealment of information, and a swirl of paperwork that makes the process understood only by the anointed few.
Sometimes I think “law” is an acronym for lawyers against women. While all the men exit stage left, let me say I also believe the law can be an equal opportunity bastard and be unjust, unfair and biased against anyone or anything.
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Why is Divorce Often Harder for Women?
Women are not trained to fight and divorce can be war. Women do not believe it will get dirty and nasty. They do not see their spouse as one who can and will do things which harm everyone including the children. But when money and ego are involved spouses can act without a conscience. You may be amazed at the transformation of your spouse, morphing from someone you knew as kind and compassionate to a stranger who fights with a passion.
With an aggressive, greed driven attorney behind him, he can become brainwashed and encouraged to whip himself into a frenzy.
Money translates into power in the legal system. It allows those who want to punish their spouses the ability to do so legally. As long as there is money, there is someone to represent them.
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